Friday, September 17, 2010
I have been brooding a lot lately. I seem to be stuck in a constant state of turmoil. Not to say I'm unhappy... just... well, as the title states: contemplative. I used to be so sure of things. Life hasn't been easy by any means. And, it still isn't. It never will be. But, I wish I could have some things become clear for me. I'm sure everyone wants that. But what do you do when something strikes your soul with the force of a semi truck? I don't see how you can ignore being struck by a semi truck. Well, this soul annihilating semi can come at any time, in the form of anything. It's hard, damn hard, when this incident happens. It may not be noticeable, it may gradually come to light. When I stood at the crossroads many years ago, I was SO sure of the path to take. I was confident, defiant, and no "voice of reason" would sway my decisions on anything. I find myself at similar crossroads, or at least approaching them. The voices of reason are absent, but I can imagine them here and what they would say. Again, I want to be confident and defiant, but I am not. I find myself screaming and no one hears me. Or, no one chooses to hear me. I know this sounds as if I am absolutely miserable, but that's not true. On the contrary, I am actually quite happy. There are things that are happening that aren't fun or happy, but the tiny small things really affect me more so.